Dyslexic Laments

cuz life is hard and so are words

Month: December, 2014

I’m immeasurably grateful for life after death because this one is searingly painful.

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Tonight I was happy.

I was just secretly eating tacos alone in my car like any other Wednesday. I’ve been feeling like a reject all day. For real. So then I started thinking about a boy who recently undid  my entire existence in his mind because I didn’t want to move forward with him–rejection.

I decided to return grandma’s call on my drive home. She left me a message earlier this week saying she needed to read me something.
Turns out, it’s very hard to drive, talk on the phone and cry at the same time. Grandma read me a sweet poem she wrote about me. Her little diddy mended everything. It’s so nice when someone thinks you’re something.

Jesus won’t let us feel like worthless gluttons for even an hour.

We Share October

My birthday was in October. I’m blessed with a ton of friends — a community that exhausts every effort to make turning 27 feel less fat, tired, and old.  I got a surprise party, gifts, fruit, calls + texts, and more forehead kisses than anyone would be comfortable with. I have SO much. Yet, a birthday card from my grandma is the thing that moved me to tears. Because it’s contents point toward the notion that love is real.

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I have a hard time imagining that God even likes me let alone loves me.  There’s no way I’m not a complete embarrassment of a representative of The Christ. But then I get things like this. Some words that read, “I love you forever and ever and ever.” And I believe the sincerity of those words.  They don’t make sense because my actions toward my grandma while I was growing up were obnoxious to put it gently.  My life was full of abuse and I was full of rage that, sadly, got directed at the one person who payed any attention to me. I didn’t know The Lord, but she did; it annoyed me. I lashed out. I tried to get under her skin by screaming well thought-out statements like, IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT ANY OF US DO WE’RE ALL GOING TO HELL and  THE BIBLE WAS WRITTEN BY PEOPLE, ONLY IDIOTS BELIEVE IT’S TRUE! My grandma never judged me or loved me any less. She just told me the truth and continued to treat me with all the tenderness one human could extend to another human. Despite me, she adored me.  If she can,  then why can’t the One who made me?

I remember something that Jesus said. He said if a kid asks a parent for an egg, the parent won’t give him a scorpion (because the parents loves the kid)!  And parents are people. So they’re inclined to evil. Inclined to evil, but still capable being decently awesome toward their sons and daughters.  How much more will God, who is love, give good things to his children?  (Luke11:11-13)

I ask God to convince me that He loves me on the regular (hashtag insecure).  As if remembrance of what was done on Calvary isn’t enough, He gives me a micro example of his sonic boom type love for me through the example of my grandma.  The God who owns everything wants to spend the rest of time with me. He did everything to make that happen.  It doesn’t make sense. His ways are backwards and upside down. He loves me. It’s uncomfortable because I didn’t work for it, but Praise God it’s what I need to live. Praise God for giving me my grandma to help me understand.

In a phone conversation with my grandma, I expressed how much her card meant to me  asked why she not only put up with me, but was so tender hearted toward me.  She quoted 1peter 4:8, “Because love covers a multitude of sin.”

Love does it all.

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Psalm 127:1

Unless the Lord builds the house,
They labor in vain who build it

For years, I’ve been trying to make my family my ministry. This  makes sense to me because they need something I have. Why would I not spend myself on behalf of them? But  I’ve felt a lot of spiritual resistance. Not a feeling like it’s bad to pour into them. It’s more like an inclination they are not the “cause” God intended for me to pursue. It feels like I’m taking the pencil out of an the hand of architect who is drawing up the best plan for the best house full of healed people.

None of our interactions seem to have The Spirit’s involvement. And for that reason alone, I’m relinquishing control. I don’t want to. I want to see this mess fixed.  But If I’m not successful in brining my family Jesus with every encoutner, then my efforts are wasted.

#kinda #sucks