My motives are all over the place with how I interact with guys. Okay, one guy. And that’s about as transparent as I’d like to be tonight with the details, but here goes nothing.
I don’t like him romantically. Spare time to nurture new friendships isn’t exactly flowing in abundance for me. I especially don’t have time to nurture friendships with people of the opposite gender who think my deeply held beliefs are comical. In any case, I’m coddling this kid.
Here lies the confusion. I don’t know if:
1. He’s a distraction from my sometimes dismal reality
2. I like his attention
3. I’m paying him mind so he doesn’t think I’m a rude brat (i.e. I’m people pleasing)
My gut tells me its the latter. Not good. I don’t want to confuse him as to what a Christian is. I don’t want to foster an unhealthy relationship. I don’t want to be disobedient to my loving God — He knows what’s best for me. I think if I would press into the restless feelings – if I would investigate a little further – God would reveal to me what is unnecessary about our spending time together. But I just go forward hanging out with him without asking God for permission. I end up stressed. Which is just what a perfect Father wants to His daughter avoid.
I heard Francis Chan say that followers of Christ aren’t to straddle the fence. That we’re either feeding our flesh or we’re obeying God. That if there was a fence, it was built by the devil.
Maybe I’m trying to feed my flesh with this guy; that terrifies me. And now I’m in too deep. With all clarity, I see that God’s way is good for me. That I want it more than I want relief from my suffering; more than the fleeting urge to be desired by a man. I want the life God intended for me more than I want all people to think I’m awesome.
I’ve been watching videos of some Bethel women singing to their maker. They look so courageous and free and in love. Like they have the peace of the living God. Peace is born out of righteousness living.
As for me, I still can be found sitting on the fence. God, help me.